One can only complain and wallow in self-pity so much in a lifetime- it is time for a change, Valerie.
In light of all the ‘open letters to so and so’ that seem to be somewhat trending on the internet, I’ve decided to write one to myself. So a couple of months ago, I had this drive. A drive to make my life more meaningful, chase my dreams, and to make a better person out of myself. I wanted to be that person that could handle everything that came her way, to achieve in every aspect of my life. But fast forward a few months later, I have become everything I did not want to be; a person very much far from what I sought out to be originally, those few months ago.
It is one thing to procrastinate, and get lost in what you’re doing and living for once in awhile. That’s perfectly okay. But it’s a whole different issue when you sit your ass on every single thing you’re doing, lose your sense of self, and completely forget what exactly you’re living for. Over the past few months, I’ve become the latter. The simplest proof would be me starting this lousy example of a blog and only posting two miserable, pathetic posts on it. I started this blog in hope to practice my creative writing, (something in which I don’t often get to do now due to the rubrics of my dry, very much science-based curriculum) as well as build a platform for me to reach out to an envisioned community of readers and viewers that I hoped to have one day in addition to my now dying and mediocre YouTube channel. All I wanted was to be able to balance my academic life, which I wanted to prosper in, and my nonacademic dreams. But I did not. Not only did I neglect these platforms I created for myself, I also find myself struggling in terms of my university coursework. All the hardwork I’ve put in the past year to ensure my grades are crisp and stellar have gone down the drain. Well, not exactly yet, but soon, if I don’t happen to get my shit together in the terrifyingly near future. Adding on to this downward toll my life has been taking on (incredulously due to my own doings), I seemed to have taken to the idea of trying to cover up this gigantic hole of negativity I’m digging for myself, instead of actually filling it back up to fix it. I began to indulge in the notion of self-satisfaction that came with the want for everyone to view my life as somewhat perfect. Not perfect as in flawlessness, but perfect in the sense that ‘I’m ordinary but I wanted to be envied because I put in handwork and I’m lucky and nothing is wrong because everything is in order’. Screwed isn’t it? I started obsessing over wanting people to like me and there came a point when I allowed my life and happiness to be justified purely based on the number of Instagram likes I received. I mean, how simple was that. Take a photo, add filters and hashtags and everyone knows (thinks) I’m happy and everyone agrees with what I’m doing with my life because they ‘like-d’ it. Brilliant strategy, Valerie. Yet, I got so annoyed when people message me and go like “looks like you’re really enjoying life there in America”. But really, its not their fault right? It’s my fault that I’m trying to put on a facade, its my fault that I am painting a false picture for everyone. I shouldn’t expect people to know that I’m not feeling okay or I’m feeling stressed out when I’m constantly trying to show them that I can handle everything, and then wallow in self-pity myself after that, not doing anything to help myself out of the situation. I can’t just set things that have to be done aside and feel a sense of distorted accomplishment when I complete what I have to complete way after the time limit. I can’t just take the easy way out and expect to get anywhere with it ( I actually think Instagram is an appropriate metaphor for this and my life- I post pictures instead of actually putting in effort into videos, covers and stuff and expect compliments to validate my existence and that my dreams will come true all of a sudden, which obviously will not). And I most definitely cannot keep giving myself excuses for not doing well in school. So right now, I am going to end this miserable, sickening tune that is constantly playing in my life. I need to do something about my problems with actual actions, because constantly checking my ask.fm, twitter, Instagram and Facebook feeds to see what people are thinking of me will not help me Pushing my lab report and honors college application aside for tiny breaks and breathers that never end will not aid me. Crying silently at night while wishing someone would suddenly read between the lines and comfort me because they feel somewhat sorry for me is pathetic and will not save me. Drowning myself in music, listening to Taylor Swift and thinking “oh my god, I totally get her lyrics and feel her” will not solve my problems nor will it make me a lyrical genius like her (she’s a superstar, we may have similar problems but so does every single living thing listening to her). Sleeping and having YOLO meals and not exercising will not liberate me because I’ll always have to wake up to face my issues, I’ll feel hungry again a few hours later, and I will probably have health problems when I get older. So yeah, I really need to stop with my lousy excuse-giving attitude and move on in life properly. I can still grieve, but I need to stop attributing my bad days to the fact that I still miss my grandfather. If anything, I probably am making him feel sad in heaven with my moping around and my laziness. So, I’m sorry grandpa, I know what I have to do now. Today marks the 49th day of your departure, you are finally at your resting place. You deserve to rest happily and worry free. I’ll stop being selfish and work hard for you and the rest of my family. And I also have to accept the fact that my boyfriend, or my ex (oh the technicalities), Cody, broke up with me and has moved the hell on. I tried to stay hush about this, in hope that he’ll come back but no. I have to realize that he left me at my lowest, and not everyone I love will love me back. And I know there are people out there who are just waiting for me to say this so they can laugh their faces off in front of me but we did not work out. There you have it. I wanted everyone to see that I was happy, but it did not work out and he’s not coming back. And it’s not the end of the world I guess. My family is still here with me and if I wasn’t good enough for him, or anyone else for that matter, then I should at least be good enough for myself. I’d like to think that we loved each other, but what do we know about love right? At least it was an experience, a first experience. An experience that gave me memories, however fleeting and sparse. I need to move on. Finally, whatever scholarships and opportunities I lost out on, there will be, hopefully, more to come in the future. If I keep up with this delirious attitude of mine and let myself be steeped in delusion and pseudo-depression, I will, in fact, continue to lose out forever. I am unhappy, but I can end this unhappiness. I must, for no one else will do it for me.
So, Valerie, get your shit together, right now. May this be the last time you ever complain and rant about your life without doing anything useful about it. As corny as it sounds, it really is not too late. People judge all the damn time, but we all know its your own judgement that matters. And if even you know there is something incredibly wrong with your demeanor, its not going to be long before the world catches up and realizes what a shit person you’ve become.
And that everyone, is my letter to myself.
With lots of love, Valerie
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